I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
