STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
