even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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