I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
