You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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