Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
