Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
