Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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