The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
