sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
