I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
