My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
