it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
