yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
