Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
