Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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