just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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