just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
