im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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