So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
