I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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