Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
