Who wears a wallet chain?!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
