Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
