Pants 0. Shit 1.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
