I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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