mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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