Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
