i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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