we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
...so i touched it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
