I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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