Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
