I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
