I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
