I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
