Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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