Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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