He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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