Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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