Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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