If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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