Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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