I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
