Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
