I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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