Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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