I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
