Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize