Who wears a wallet chain?!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
