I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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