She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
